Don’t Shame Me For Not Having Kids (When the Reason I Don’t is You)

If there’s one thing JD Vance is known for, it’s having sex with a couch. If there’s a second thing JD Vance is known for, it’s his “childless cat lady” quote. You know, the one where he said this:

“It’s just a basic fact — you look at Kamala Harris, Pete Buttigieg, AOC — the entire future of the Democrats is controlled by people without children. And how does it make any sense that we’ve turned our country over to people who don’t really have a direct stake in it?”

Despite being, among other things, now incorrect (shout out Mayor Pete, who has two children), the quote incited fury from many, including followers of the #1 childless cat lady in the world, Taylor Swift.

I have to admit I felt quite a few emotions at this remark before settling on “wow, what a weird fuckin’ take.” I was angered at first — I don’t want to be defined by my ability to birth children. Women have fought for centuries to be more than incubators for men to use. I’m not going to take Mr. Couch trying to turn back the clocks on feminism laying down. Then, a kind of sadness. I really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things if I never reproduce. I’ll die and be forgotten, and then my existential OCD took over and that’s never a good time for anyone. But then I really thought about it. I do want kids, but I can’t have them. And a lot of my generation feels the same way. And why, you ask?

Because parenthood is a damn near impossible dream as a millennial.

Think about the costs of diapers alone. The vast majority of millennials are living paycheck to paycheck and can’t afford that kind of luxury. Add on things like an extra mouth to feed and clothing and medical bills for even bringing the kid into the world and over 18 years you will have spent $375,000. And trust me, millennials aren’t shirking parenthood because they’re child-hating monsters. Many of us want families, but literally can’t afford it. A survey found that only 25 percent of us want kids, and the biggest reason why a lot of us don’t is because it is too damn expensive.

What Couch Man doesn’t realize is that parenthood isn’t in the cards for a lot of us because of people like him in power. Think of which side is fighting to take away school lunches and rallies against universal health care, which would greatly alleviate the cost of having a child. And Democrats aren’t innocent either, having done little to alleviate things like inflation. Keep in mind, the minimum wage you’d now need to survive (at least where I live) is $19.17, and the Michigan minimum wage is $10.33. Where is Gretchen Whitmer when we need her?

I desperately want children. As I write this, a couple of kids are playing on the beach, innocent and carefree. I hope someday I get to have a few of my own to lovingly raise and teach everything I know to. But the main roadblock to that dream is the fact that I’m barely getting by with my three jobs. Don’t shame me for not having children when that privilege was taken away from me — and from so many of my peers.

Why It’s Hard to Put My Work Out There

When I was in high school, I dreamed up these characters I’ve kept with me for almost 15 years. They were colorful characters inspired by guys and girls in local bands I looked up to, each one with their own unique backstory. There was Alex, the sort of fish-out-of-water heir to a tire company. There was Charlie, the Moog synthesizer-playing cheerleader with a ostomy bag. There was Kit, a Lebanese emo teen who was basically three mental illnesses dressed up in skinny jeans. And so many more who became good friends to me this past decade.

As of writing this blog post, I’ve finally written the second arc of the story. And it feels good, like I’m finally accomplishing something. But in a way, it feels almost empty.

What’s the use of writing a story if no one reads it?

I’ll admit I’m not the best at self-promotion. If I was, I’d probably be a much bigger writer and musician. I’d say I don’t know how to put myself out there, but I think it runs deeper than that. I’m scared of putting myself and my work out there, because doing that opens up room for judgement, and I don’t handle that well.

The only time I dealt with massive amounts of hate online, it was from right-wing asshats who hate me for being queer, which fucking sucks. But I feel like if someone hated me for my work, as opposed to who I am as a person, that honestly feels worse. I can’t change who I am — that’s a problem with the haters. But to hate the things I lovingly created, that I put time and heart into, that really stings. A lot.

But that’s the price of fame, right? I want people to fall in love with my characters and become as invested in the story as me. If I want my story to get “out there” and gain a following, I’m going to have to be vulnerable, as difficult as that may be. I don’t want my story to be forgotten to time.

I may never be the next great creator, but I want to make a name for myself.

The Shot Heard Around the World

I’m sure everyone and their cat knows the news by now.

The most iconic thing to happen to an ear since Mike Tyson.

I’m not a fan of Trump, and at the rate he’s going, I’ll likely never be. He’s done far too much to further marginalize people like me and my friends. He literally made hate great again, after so much progress had been made for women, LBGTQ folks, and people of color. He and his followers have literally tried taking us back to the 1950s in terms of rights and freedoms. I wish nothing but the worst for him in all aspects of life for what he’s done to this country and society as a whole.

That being said, I don’t want him to die.

I consider myself something of a pacifist. I’m not an advocate of violence except in cases of self-defense. Violence only begets more violence, and that’s exactly what I’m afraid of with this recent attempt on Trump’s life. Conservatives are already blaming the left for this attack (despite the shooter being a registered Republican), and they did not need more reasons to dehumanize us. They’ve already been pushing the “groomer” rhetoric in relation to queer folks because framing us as pedos would allow them to hurt us with no remorse. People are more inclined to hurt others when they view them as subhuman, and framing the left as these wildly violent lunatics would put an enormous target on all of our backs.

I tend to think about the saying “live by the sword, die by the sword” in this situation. Trump has been promoting violent rhetoric, so it’s only karmic that political violence is directed toward him. At the same time, I don’t think we should be trying to kill him. We need to show that we’re bigger than that, that we are the party of love and peace. What’s important right now is winning votes while we still have a vote. If we fumble this, we might not have that option soon.

Don’t get me wrong — I will not cry when Trump ultimately kicks the bucket, and I’m not above pissing on his grave when he does. But trying to take his life will not do us any favors. His ideas have grown beyond him like a deadly mold.

I’m not going to lie; I’m terrified for November. I’ve never been so uncertain of my future. I don’t even know if I’ll ever get to have a family. This shooting made already shaky ground even more unstable. The fact that Trump survived allows people to lionize him, and I suspect his followers will become further emboldened. Will my future children even know a free America, or will we fall to fascism? Everything feels so up in the air, and I want to believe we’ll vote this evil out of office for good, but I have a bad feeling things are going to get worse.

American Culture is For Everybody (Not Just the Straights!)

I’ll admit it, I’m a bit of a hillbilly. My family migrated from the hollers of Kentucky to work in the factories in Michigan, and they brought with them a culture I still really love. I grew up with Sunday family dinners complete with food cooked in literal tubs of lard. (I know because my grandma would keep her empty lard tubs in the garage when I was growing up.) My uncle was a racecar driver, and I have fond memories of going to the local speedway to watch him along with the bus races every September. Trust me, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen ten school buses going full speed in a figure 8. I listened to exclusively country music until I was about seven and discovered Bon Jovi. I remember going muddin’ with my neighbor and fishin’ with my dad as a kid. My wife’s from the bougie suburbs north of Detroit, so when I tell her about these things, she looks at me like I’m speaking Greek. But that culture was a huge part of my childhood.

Fish love me, women fear me, or something like that.

As I write this, I’m getting ready to take aforementioned wife to a racetrack for the first time in her life. It’s for the Fourth of July; they’re going to be lighting off fireworks at the end of the night. It should be a fun night, and I’m excited to show her part of what made my childhood special. But I can’t shake the feeling that we’ll be surrounded by MAGA hats and people who would want us dead if they knew we were together. It’s an unfair assumption to make, especially since racecar driving has been historically very “woke” and NASCAR is actually a pretty vocal ally to this day. Still, I’m not oblivious. I know the kinds of people these events attract, and…

They look like me. They look like my family.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being forced to choose between the culture I grew up in and living as a queer woman. I’m sure I’m not the first person to feel this way, but it’s jarring for sure, especially when you’ve been in straight-passing relationships for most of your life. Suddenly, your very existence is political, and it’s weird and uncomfortable. People who don’t care about you are making laws about you and you have to actually start caring about who gets voted into office. I’m very blessed that my family tends to lean progressive politically, but I still feel like I can’t engage in parts of my family’s culture without feeling “othered.”

I wish we could enjoy these little pieces of American culture without that weird feeling. After all, we’re all Americans, even the people the right-wing media say are not. Remember all the “This is my pride flag!” posts last month flaunting the American flag, as if the two can’t co-exist?

Shared by a “friend” of mine. Need I say more?

Hillbilly culture, and American culture as a whole, shouldn’t be restricted to only straight, cisgender folks. This land is my land, too, and we’re just as American as the flag-flaunting MAGA hat-wearers. (I’d argue we’re more American, as we didn’t try to, ya know, overthrow the government.) Don’t let stupid memes and conservative media convince you otherwise. My culture is mine. My heritage is mine. My country is mine. And I’m done letting people take that from me.

My Strange Addiction: Watching People Suck

Oh hey, a prompt.

How do you waste the most time every day?

I have a confession: I’m fascinated by the worst people. It’s probably detrimental to my mental health, but I often find myself looking in the comments section of absolute cesspools on the internet for hours on end.

In my more naive years, I’d often debate people like this. I’d craft some well-written argument about how yes, trans folks are valid, gay folks should have a right to be with who they please, and black folks should, ya know, exist. This is usually followed by guys with profile pictures that look like a frostbitten toe laugh reacting the post to hell. I’ve since stopped because it’s no use arguing with people who look like this:

Apologies to this man for using him as an example but like, do better bro.

I consider it a matter of knowing my enemy. I want to know what these asshats’ talking points are so I can watch for signs of that shit in everyday conversation. The second someone brings up TERF rhetoric or starts talking about how we need a “straight white pride” month, I know to run in the opposite direction as fast as humanly possible. But also, it’s just kind of fascinating to me. Like, what leads a person to that level of hate? What makes one devolve into posting bullshit like this?

Ahh yes, the worst thing a woman can be, the mother to a biracial child.

It costs zero dollars to not suck. Imagine if people just minded their own business and didn’t brigade random people’s posts because they shared a picture of a queer person having fun? The other day, I had to put one of my own posts on private because it kept getting shared to hate groups. Like, why though? What are people getting out of this? I wasn’t even that mad — haters make me famous and all that — but the notifications were annoying as hell, and I was tired of seeing Greg’s thumb-looking ass popping up on my feed every few minutes.

I guess to me, it’s a reminder of what I fight for everyday. I use my platform on here to humanize the queer experience. I realize a lot of these folks have probably never met someone who isn’t exactly like them. I was similar when I first went off to university. I repeated the whole “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” BS because my high school friends would say it — God knows I’d never admit to being bisexual in front of them. But a funny thing happened when I moved to my college town. I met other queer folks and even came to terms with my own queerness, and I changed. But these people have never left their hometowns. They’re in a white, cishet circle-jerk forever, and it’s actually pretty sad. There’s a lot of beauty in human diversity and the way we connect with one another. We’re just people, and we want to live and love too.

Imagine seeing something this precious and being like “wow, I hope they all die.”

I should probably cut back on my “patrolling” these ugly spaces though. Even reporting doesn’t do any good — the comments never get taken down (thanks, Zucc!). Maybe I should look more toward the beautiful things in life and focus my energies there instead. Even the Bible says so:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

-Philippians 4:8

Hmm, maybe the Good Book is onto something.

The Healing Power of Girl Power

This past weekend, my beautiful partner and I attended a “sleepover” hosted by a South Bend-based company that puts on little dances and other fun events. No one actually slept over, but it was structured to give the feeling of a real teenage sleepover, only for adult women. The company rented out a huge fancy-ass Airbnb for the shindig, and we all piled into the enormous living room for typical slumber party activities. It was silly. It was fun. But most of all, it was strangely healing.

I didn’t grow up with a lot of friends. I had one friend, Shanna, who didn’t go to school with me. Otherwise, I was completely on my own. I remember watching the other girls do those handclap things that little girls do with each other on the bus and wishing I had someone to do them with. I’d replicate the motions with the seat back in front of me and pretend it was another girl. I never got to do the “steal mom’s makeup and do each other’s faces” thing. I remember eating lunch in the library because sitting next to ugly awkward Jessica Salisbury was a social death sentence (and also to avoid being pelted with ranch dressing packets). Needless to say, I didn’t have a lot of female friends to live out youthful rites of passage with.

Things got a little better with my friend Chelsea in middle school, but even then, I was still largely the pariah. I didn’t get invited to things. I was last to be picked for, well, anything. In high school, I went to a few sleepovers, only to get my underwear frozen in a block of water. I was the butt monkey of my “friend” group, usually only brought around to make fun of. My friendships with other girls tended to be toxic and life-sucking.

So being surrounded by positive feminine energy at this silly little slumber party event was, somehow, a way for me to process my unresolved bitter feelings about girlhood. I wasn’t the only one — my partner, being trans, was socialized as a boy, so she never got to experience the magic of sleepovers with other girls either. Toward the end of the night, we held each other and cried happy tears, both having reconciled with parts of our childhoods and teenhoods we missed out on.

Including our friends doodling on our faces while we slept.

There’s something magical about coming together with a group of other like-minded girls and living your best lives together. We humans are meant to be in relationship with one another — no man (or woman) is an island. Connecting with each other is such a healing experience, especially after you’ve experienced the trauma that comes with bullying and ostracism. I wish I could tell little-me that she’d find her people eventually, and that the pain doesn’t last forever.

Me and my partner as kids. I’d like to think we would have been friends ❤️

Self-Love Prompt #1: Connecting to the Earth

I was browsing Barnes & Noble when I happened upon these little cards. It’s a box of 70 writing prompts meant to inspire self-love and reflection. I need some fresh material for my blog other than giving life updates, and this seemed like the perfect way to spark some creativity. Sitting at a hookah bar with my wife, I drew my first card:

And I blanked immediately. How do I feel connected to the earth? That’s such a lofty concept, I’m not sure I know how to answer that. The first thing that came to mind was my dabblings in magic and witchcraft. I hesitate to call myself a Christian witch (which is not an oxymoron surprisingly), as I don’t practice nearly enough. But my personal religious beliefs align somewhere between Christianity, witchery, and science. And a connection with our life-giving planet is a crucial part of all of those philosophies.

When I lived by the lake, I liked to take walks and collect various things I found along the way. Little pinecones and flowers and such. I’d put them on my altar alongside my favorite crystals and religious symbols like pictures and statues of saints I admire. I took a lot of pride in arranging my findings to be aesthetically pleasing. It was soothing, and I felt like I was bringing a little bit of Mother Nature home with me.

Another practice I enjoy when it’s a little warmer out is grounding by standing or laying on the grass or dirt with no shoes. Someone once told me it’s a great way to feel connected to the earth, and I agree! Is there anything scientific to it? I doubt it, but it feels good. I like standing in water even more though, feeling the waves hit my feet and my toes buried in the sand. I think it’s the Pisces in me, or maybe the Michigander in me. I just really like lakes, okay?

On a grander scale, just existing alongside other living beings makes me feel like part of something greater than myself. We’re all part of this beautiful cosmic experiment called humanity, and it’s pretty awesome when you think about it. We’re eight billion interconnected stories, all unfolding at once. Someday, God willing, I’ll have kids of my own, and perhaps they’ll have their own kids eventually, and the great cycle of life will continue. It’s the same cycle that’s been happening since the dawn of time. I’m someone’s great-great-granddaughter, and maybe one day, I’ll be someone’s great-great-grandmother. It’s all very overwhelming and exciting to think about.

I think being connected to the earth is much more than just being connected to a clod of dirt floating in space. It’s being connected to each other, to flesh and blood, and it’s being connected spiritually. You can’t love the planet without loving one another. We’re all a part of this together. And that’s pretty dope actually.

Kalamazoo, I Choose You

It’s amazing how fast things turn around when you’re actually following the path the universe wants you to follow.

This time last week, we were in an AirBNB in a nowhere town on the Indiana border with no prospects as far as apartment-hunting goes and little going on job-wise. My wife Crass was working a dead-end apprenticeship that had her answering phones and not doing much else. I was a music teacher in name only, since I couldn’t recruit students fast enough to pay the bills. We were running out of money fast. If something didn’t change, we were going to end up having to move home with our parents — or worse, on the streets.

Then, Crass suggested something wild.

“Let’s go to Kalamazoo.”

Which is the name of a real place, for those readers who are not from the Murder Mitten.

And it made sense. We’d toyed with either Kalamazoo or Chicago in the past, and Kalamazoo seemed like the best choice. It’s in Michigan, so we wouldn’t have to change our hard-won Medicaid insurance to another state. It’s also conveniently almost equidistant from Detroit (where our parents live) and South Bend (where my other partner, Olivia, lives). There’s a robust art scene, and Western Michigan University is there, so I can go to grad school when I’m ready. It seemed so perfect, something had to go wrong.

But it didn’t. In fact, as soon as we decided on Kalamazoo, things started falling together. We found an apartment complex that wouldn’t judge us for not having any recent paystubs and would give us a chance based on credit history alone. And it turned out to be a three-bedroom townhouse bigger than anything we’ve ever rented before! Crass will have space for her art and merch manufacturing machines, and I’ll have a room for a studio and all my instruments. When we went job hunting, Crass almost immediately lucked into a managerial position at an office supplies store, and I managed to impress the folks at Guitar Center enough that they’ll likely hire me on in the next few days. I also have an interview for a dispensary coming up next week. Gotta capitalize on Michigan’s weed-friendliness, ya know?

Did I say “Murder Mitten”? I meant Marijuana Mitten.

I was excited to start a life in the Michiana region at the suggestion of Olivia, but the truth is, not a lot is going on as far as the Michigan side goes. I love South Bend and Mishawaka — but I can’t live there without losing my insurance (and the protection of Big Gretch, who recently posted a video in support of the queer community). Nothing was working out there, and I was languishing without any direction. I’m still mourning the fact that I won’t be able to see my darling Olivia every day the way I’ve gotten used to these past few weeks, but I need to be somewhere where I can be the best version of myself. For me, and for her, and for Crass, and for our future family.

This has been a rough year. We dropped everything to move to Fort Wayne for an internship that didn’t pan out, and I found myself reevaluating my entire trajectory when music therapy turned out to be something I couldn’t see myself doing my whole life. When that failed, we retreated to that AirBNB in hopes of starting anew. When that failed, I almost lost all hope for the future. I didn’t think I’d ever get the career and the family I’d dreamed of. I was in a dark place. But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m pretty sure it’s not a freakin’ freight train this time, because I’m sick of getting run over again and again. I’m actually excited for this new chapter and what is hopefully going to be some stability in life. I’ve been so stressed with all these twists and turns lately. I even got my first gray hair!

If I’m gonna go gray at 31, I’m going *all in.*

In other words, I’m cautiously optimistic. I’ve been burned too many times these past six months, but as my therapist always says, “What if it all goes right?” This next step is exactly what I need. And I hope you’ll all be there to watch me finally thrive.

Deja Entendu: What Do You Do When You’ve Heard It All Before

If you didn’t already know, I tend to straddle the line between emotions and logic. I’m an almost perfect blend of my parents in that way. My brain works almost too well — if I swing too hard into the emotional realm, I’m good at thinking it over until it’s not as scary. But sometimes my logical side overpowers everything and I overthink the everything.

This can be dangerous. Especially when it comes to creative endeavors.

There’s a French term analogous to deja vu called deja entendu, and yes, I know this from my problematic faves, Brand New.

Deja vu means “already seen,” but deja entendu means “already heard.” It’s the auditory cousin. And it’s haunting me. You see, there are 12 notes in the Western music scale, including the sharp and flats, and each of those notes can build major and minor chords in addition to other weird chords nobody talks about. There should be seemingly limitless combinations of sounds, but I keep getting hung up on the fact that there is a finite amount of combinations you can make. And unless you want to make weird artsy proggy stuff like two people will listen to, there are formulas to stick to for the sake of making things aesthetically pleasing. My problem isn’t that I can’t write good music — it’s that I feel like nothing about write is original, or even can be original, because everything good has already been written.

It’s the weirdest writing block I’ve run into.

I’ve been doing a lot of recording and producing lately, and although I’m proud of how my music is sounding, I can’t help but wonder if someone else is out there doing it already and doing it better than me. There are eight billion-ish people on this planet. At least a couple are producing their own mediocre pop-rock anthems too. What sets me apart from them?

I think this is where my emotional side comes in, because it’s the part that reminds me that my music is valuable and my perspective is unique. I’m the only person in the world with the lived experience I have, and no life will ever unfold the way mine did again. If Jack Antonoff or Rick Rubin came in to produce the exact same song I’m working on, it’s not going to sound the same because they’re not me. My music is mine. What makes it unique isn’t the chord progressions or the lyrics or the fancy microphone I’m still paying off. It’s the human aspect, the fifth element.

Still, it’s frustrating when your brain won’t let you believe anything you create is unique. I’m pushing forward despite being mired in this feeling. I don’t want to lose the momentum I’ve gained. I’m going to keep moving and keep creating.

New Dreams, New Plans

I swear whoever makes the prompts for WordPress is stalking me.

What is your career plan?

…is a question that has been on my mind constantly since deciding to step back from music therapy, aka the only career path I saw myself on for literally my entire adult life. Funny how things change so quickly.

So basically, I’m back to the drawing board as far as my career plan goes. I’ve been busy regrouping and trying to figure out my next steps, and I feel like I’m finally getting to a place where I can accept myself as someone other than Jess J. Salisbury, MT-BC. She was someone I’m not, and that’s okay. Adulthood is about constantly rediscovering who you are.

But while I don’t have a solid plan for moving forward yet, I do have a few ideas for how I’d like things to fall together in the future.

Step One: Teach Music

Straightforward enough. I need a job to survive, and I’m not a bad music teacher. I actually enjoy it quite a bit! I’ll need a stable job to fund the next step.

Step Two: Start a Recording Studio

My dream for my music therapy degree was to start a studio akin to this one. I wanted to help people of all ages and abilities to create music they can be proud of. And the good news is, I don’t need a music therapy degree to do this! I can just, you know, start one. Of course, a music therapy degree would add some legitimacy for marketing purposes, but so would…

Step Three: Get a Master’s in Music Production

Okay, maybe I’m just inspired by my girlfriend getting her master’s degree recently (CONGRATS LIVVY!), but I’ve always wanted to get a higher education in…something. I always used to joke that I refused to die before I had “Dr.” in front of my name. I still would like a doctoral degree in something, but first things first. Berklee has a completely online master’s program in music production that looks awfully tasty.

Step Four: Record My Friends’ Bands

When I asked a music producer friend in Nashville what her advice was for getting involved in the industry, she said word-of-mouth was the key to success. So to get my name out there, I want to record music for my friends for free. From there, I can build a following and a client base.

Step Five: Start an Art and Music Collective

This is a bit of a pipe dream, but I want to open a facility for people to safely create in their preferred medium. This could take the shape of a coffeeshop or music venue that puts on shows and has space for artists to work. I want to promote creativity and expression in the community and give back any way I can.

I’m realizing one of the biggest motivating factors behind everything I do is my fear of being forgotten. It’s part of the reason I want kids. It’s part of the reason I want to make recordings of my songs. It’s part of the reason I want to donate a shitton of money someday to get a bench with my name on it. One day, when I die, I want people to remember my name. And I hope my career plan leads me to that sort of immortality. I want to have been a pillar of the community. I want to leave a legacy.