Hi! I’m sure you’re wondering where I’ve been. After all, it’s been an unusually long time since I’ve posted anything on this blog. I typically try to post something a few times a week, but it’s been crickets here lately. I wish I had a good reason for my silence, and I guess I do, in a way.
Depression. It’s weighing on me, hard.
This week has already been terrible. I’ve been beaten around like a piñata at the universe’s birthday party, mostly due to work issues. I’m working thirteen hours a day between my two jobs, and it has not been a walk in the park. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong this week, and I’m scrambling to keep it together at both places of employment. This, on top of preparing for our annual Halloween party this weekend and playing piano for my dear friend’s show and getting ready to literally uproot my life in January for my internship. It would be a lot for anyone, but tack on a heap of depression, and it’s a wonder I’m still breathing. I should have been suffocated by the weight of it all a long time ago.
I have bipolar. It’s not a secret. Historically, I’ve tended toward mania, which manifests in me drinking all the alcohol and having all the sex and eating all the food and buying all the worthless shit and basically being an overall bad decision machine. I’ve had bouts of depression, but they’ve never lingered for very long. But this depression has been harsher for some reason. I’m feeling so much existential dread, like I’m just this tiny flea in the grand scheme of the universe and someday I’ll be forgotten and it’ll be like I never existed. I ruminate on these things until my brain goes numb and all I want to do is tend my little make-believe farm because that’s the one damn thing I can control in this life.
I know a lot of people turn to me and my blog for hope. My words reach people, and that alone means so much to me. I sincerely pray I will have the drive to continue this blog soon, because right now I’m feeling burned the fuck out. I want to be an inspiration to others, the person they look to like “Hey, Jessa survived bipolar, and so can I!” Maybe that’s why I’ve been dealt this hand, in the grand scheme of things. But I won’t lie and say it’s an easy cross to bear.
I have faith that I’ll come out the other side of this. I always have. It’s just going to be an uphill battle.
JESSA JOYCE 