The Worst is Yet to Come

This is a bit of a different post from my usual. Typically, I post about things that affected me after overcoming them, as sort of a little inspirational “oh look I overcame this challenge and SO CAN YOU” type of thing. I don’t often report from the trenches, but here we are.

My depression is worsening, and I don’t know what to do.

When I was younger, I felt like all the best things in life were yet to come. There was so much to look forward to, so many things to see and experience. I spent hours daydreaming about the life I wanted to live, and I was convinced if I did everything right, did all my homework and stayed out of trouble and was a generally good person, I’d get everything I wanted.

Now, I see that life doesn’t work out that way. Bad things happen to good people. Life is mostly one storm after another. Something is always in pain, physically or mentally, and you just keep chasing some kind of high to forget about it for a moment. So my band played one of the biggest arts festivals in Michigan. What does it matter if one month later, I’m struggling just to peel myself off the couch and go to work?

I feel like I don’t have anything to look forward to anymore, like all my best days are behind me. I’m almost 30. I feel like I’ve wasted my youth, and I’m never going to get a chance to do it over again. At this point, I’m just slowly catapulting toward death. And I’m not suicidal, frankly because I’m horribly afraid of death. I don’t know what comes next, and that’s scary as hell.

I guess my depression stems from fear. Im scared of dying. I’m scared for when my parents die. I’m scared I’ll never get my music therapy degree. I’m scared my band won’t make it and no one will ever hear my music. I’m scared I’ll never get to have kids. I’m scared I’ll never get my house on a lake. I’m scared my boss secretly hates me. I’m scared my wife will someday decide she’s sick of my bullshit and leave me.

I guess I’m scared this is all there will ever be for me.