Pansexual Awareness Day: All Your Burning Questions, Answered

Ask the average person what bisexuality is, and the answer is pretty straightforward — attraction to both genders. This is assuming the average person only knows/cares about the two mainstream genders, although anyone in the queer community knows bisexuals are attracted to people outside the male-female binary.

So if bisexuals are attracted to all genders, what on earth is a pansexual? After all, if the common assumption is that bisexuals are attracted to both, then pansexuals are attracted to all, including nonbinary people. But, like I mentioned above, the definition of bisexual has expanded to include nonbinary people as well. Pansexual is just another word for bisexual, then, right??

(Have I lost you yet?)

Today is Pansexual Awareness Day, and I’m sure if you’re reading this, you’re likely aware of me, a pansexual. Although I sometimes describe myself as bi (usually when I’m talking to older folks or want to associate myself with bisexual icon Freddie Mercury), I view my sexual/romantic orientation as mostly in-line with pansexuality. Bisexuality and pansexuality can be considered interchangeable, but there are some important distinctions you should know about. Here are some common questions I get asked. Let’s get the obvious out of the way.

Are you attracted to skillets?

I am not attracted to skillets, although I am attracted to Jen Ledger, the drummer of Skillet.

So you’re attracted to guys, girls, and enbies?

Well, kind of! You see, I’m not attracted to a certain gender or sex, per se. From what I understand, bisexuals are usually into peen and vageen. For pan people like me, the plumbing is irrelevant. If I like you, I like you!

You really don’t care about a person’s junk?

Not really. Genitals don’t really turn me on. I think there are more important things to consider when starting a relationship with someone.

Like?

How good they are at guitar? Kidding! (Mostly.) I do have preferences, looks-wise. But I consider sexual/romantic compatibility to be separate from gender.

You’re attracted to everyone?!

Absolutely not! It’s a common misconception that bisexuals and pansexuals are into everything with a heartbeat. Like everyone else, I have preferences and certain people I’m more “into” than others. Don’t assume I’ll sleep with or date just anyone. I’m actually pretty picky!

What is panromantic?

Panromantic people are romantically attracted to all genders. A lot of times, it goes hand-in-hand with pansexuality, but they’re technically different things.

Are pan and poly the same thing?

Not at all. While you can be both (and there is quite a bit of overlap), poly people have more than one partner or are open to the idea of having more than one partner. You don’t have to be pan to be poly, and you don’t have to be poly to be pan. Lots of pan folks are content with monogamy, and that’s okay too!

When did you know you were pan?

I think I’ve always known, to an extent. I liked guys (a lot), but I also realize I had a lot of “girl crushes” as an adolescent as well. I just didn’t recognize what they were until I learned what “gay” meant, and of course growing up in a conservative evangelical church, I squashed that part of me pretty quickly. I “experimented” in college because I thought that’s just what girls do with their female friends, and I realized I wasn’t very particular about what gender or genitalia my partner had, as long as they were pretty and nice (and musically talented). I finally came to terms with it when I noticed I’d rather be hanging out with my best friend than my own husband, and I came out when my old church announced a conversion therapy program for teenage girls. I knew deep inside I was one of those girls once, and I wanted to stand in solidarity with them. So I came out publicly as pan and haven’t looked back.

Well, this has been enlightening.

Thank you, unnamed theoretical person asking me these questions! And of course, if you have any other questions, feel free to drop them in the comments. Happy Pansexual Awareness Day!

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Pride & Joy: How God Lead Me INTO Being Queer

Another post I originally shared as a FB status but figured it warranted its own post on here, especially since I haven’t posted on the blog in a minute. It’s been a crazy few weeks of coursework but my classes are over after this upcoming week, so expect more ramblings on here soon!

I see people posting their “I was gay but THEN I FOUND JESUS” testimonies all the time, but never any “I found Jesus but THEN I WAS GAY” testimonies. So allow me to share mine.

I used to attend an evangelical megachurch, first in my teens and again when I reached my lowest low after graduation. I was so broken and jaded I needed somewhere I could call home, and the church of my youth seemed right. I started going back, got deeply involved in the music ministry, and even married a man with an intention of starting a family, because that’s what you were “supposed” to do. But I wasn’t truly happy. I had to drink wine just to make household chores bearable. I had such a bad mental breakdown I had to go to a psychiatric emergency facility. I isolated myself from the people I loved and tried so hard to break my own bones to fit into a box that didn’t feel right to me. Even my own mom saw that I was miserable.

The breaking point came when my church announced a conversion therapy class for teenage girls — while I was standing on the stage about to lead worship. I should have walked off that stage, and I still kick myself for not doing it in the moment. But it planted a seed — something wasn’t right. I started to realize I was one of those girls! I’d been attracted to people of every gender, but I had to crush the parts of me that weren’t straight because I wanted so desperately to fit in and be “normal” by these people’s standards.

I was tired. And so I came out.

I’m so glad I chose to live my truth as a pansexual woman. I ended up leaving the marriage I rushed into for the sake of “staying pure” and married my best friend, who I realized I was in love with the entire time. I have a family of fellow queerdos who are truer friends to me than anyone at that church I left. My blood family even sees how happy I am now and is happy for me! And I didn’t have to leave behind my faith in Christ to embrace my true self — I found an affirming church that accepted me and my gay and trans siblings for who they are.

Being queer and following Christ aren’t mutually exclusive things. My faith is stronger for having been tested. God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, and He truly blessed me with so much. I love who He made me to be, and I’m glad I can finally live in the light.

Feel free to share if my story reaches you in some way. I want the world to know it’s okay not to fit into the mold of American evangelical Christianity. God doesn’t love you any less. You are exactly who He created you to be ❤️

This Shit is Not Okay

I don’t even have a witty title for this. I’m so fucking beyond done with the alt-right, conservative Christendom, and their stranglehold on American politics. I don’t like getting political on here — I’d rather write about music and life hacks and inspiring things — but I can’t be silent about this shit.

There are calls to eradicate trans people. I wish I was exaggerating, but let’s hear the actual words of Michael Knowles, who spoke at the Conservative Political Action Conference on Saturday.

“For the good of society … transgenderism must be eradicated from public life entirely — the whole preposterous ideology, at every level.”

Oh, he can’t literally mean that, right? He just wants to ban drag shows. Never mind that the child beauty pageant world is a helluva lot more exploitative (and full of…dare I say…groomers). Or that more priests have molested children than drag queens. Masculine bodies in dresses are so scary, though.

That’s not what this fuckwad is talking about, though. Let him clarify.

“I called to ban transgenderism entirely … They said that I was calling for the extermination of transgender people. They said I was calling for a genocide … One, I don’t know how you could have a genocide of transgender people because genocide refers to genes, it refers to genetics, it refers to biology.”

So it’s not a genocide…because you’re not trying to eliminate a particular gene? But you’re cool with literally erasing an entire group of people? That’s not the part you want to backtrack on? Let’s hear more from this wadded up Subway napkin of a human being.

“Nobody is calling to exterminate anybody, because the other problem with that statement is that transgender people is not a real ontological category — it’s not a legitimate category of being. There are people who think that they are the wrong sex, but they are mistaken. They’re laboring under a delusion. And so we need to correct that delusion.”

And so we need to correct that delusion. Do tell, how do you plan on correcting that delusion? Surely it’s not through conversion therapy, which is proven to be ineffective and harmful. What’s the other option, die? Because it’s starting to seem like that’s what you want. I’m not even going to link to the nasty transphobic shit I’ve seen on the internet. I’d rather not dignify the shitstains who comment “41 percent” on pictures of trans folks just living their lives. But it’s obvious. If they can’t shut the fuck up and live their lives as their assigned gender, you want them dead.

You might say I don’t have a horse in this race. I’m not trans. I’m a cisgender woman. And yet somehow, the majority of the people I associate with are trans. My girlfriend is a trans woman. My three closest friends are trans women. My spiritual mentor is a trans woman. And when you talk shit about hurting them, you hurt me. Maybe that doesn’t matter to you. I’m just some chick with a blog, whatever. But you don’t know which of your loved ones could still be in the closet. You don’t know if your kid or parent or sibling or best friend has been struggling with their gender identity, and why would they let you in on that information if they were? You’re an asshole.

I wish I could humanize trans people in a way that would make their lives matter to you. I wish you could hear Tegan’s obnoxious laugh, or experience Pippa’s warm hugs. I wish you could feel the way Livvy makes me feel when her hand is in mine. I wish you would realize that these people are just like you. They have dreams and unique talents and personalities. They’re not some boogeyman trying to sneak into your daughter’s locker room or beat her swimming record. (And God knows no one would intentionally be in women’s sports, which are notoriously underpublicized and underfunded.)

I don’t even know how to end this. I’m just tired. I’m tired of folks not caring that literal genocidal rhetoric is being spewed by the people in power. I’m tired of worrying about my loved ones becoming victims of hate crimes. I’m tired of this shit being normalized. I’m so, so fucking tired.

An Open Letter to the Church

Hi Church! Yup, the “big C” Church. Whether you’re a pastor or part of the congregation or even just an Easter-and-Christmas Christian, this letter is for you! Yay!

So here’s the thing. I really want to go to church with you. I really do. I want to have Bible studies and deep theological discussions with you. I want to break communion bread with you. I want to lift my hands in worship and bawl like a baby to “How He Loves” with you (the “sloppy wet kiss” version, of course). But I can’t. And all because I’ve committed the heinous sin of wanting to marry and start a family with someone else who pees sitting down.

Consumer favorites rely on hot dog casings and netting | 2020-06-13 | The National Provisioner — This is crucial for a Godly marriage, apparently.

It’s not for lack of acceptance — roughly 80 percent of unaffiliated Christians support gay marriage. And trust me, we want in too — about 50 percent of queer folks consider themselves religious, many of them Christians. So what’s the deal? Are we too afraid to let the gates fling open, as Christ would have wanted? Are we so stuck in our old ideals that we can’t possibly change the way we do things?

I urge you to question everything. Don’t take it from me, take it from the Good Book itself.

“Test everything that is said. Hold on to what is good.”
1 Thessalonians 5:21

What if everything we were taught about gender and sexuality as it relates to Christianity is wrong? I could deconstruct the infamous clobber verses, but scholars much more well-versed in the Scriptures already have. I want to take a different approach. In Matthew 7, it is said that we are to distinguish God’s truth from lies of false prophets by examining their fruits. What are the fruits of exclusion theology? In addition to alienating the aforementioned 50 percent and denying them the church experience, we have to think about the next generation and the messages we’re sending them by holding to these toxic ideas. According to The Trevor Project, queer youth are 8.4 times more likely to attempt suicide when in an non-supportive environment. Kids freaking dying isn’t a fruit of the Spirit, right? Because that’s a pretty rotten fruit.

But Jess, you say, my church welcomes everybody! Well…

“Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Anything else comes from a non-denominational pastor asked whether his church affirms gay people.”
Ken Wilson, the wisest pastor I know

Seriously, ask your pastor if they officiate gay marriages. Ask if they let queer folks have leadership roles. I guarantee you’ll get some convoluted “love the sinner, hate the sin” spiel. You’d be hard-pressed to find a “come as you are” hip megachurch with its own coffeeshop that would let me, a bisexual woman, even just play guitar for the worship team, much less be a worship leader. Not unless I denounced part of my sexuality and ended up with a dude, which, uh, didn’t happen.

Pastors, please rethink your stances on LGBTQ issues, and congregants, speak up. Let your church leadership know that you won’t support anti-LGBTQ rhetoric any longer. I remember standing onstage at my old church while a thinly veiled conversion therapy course for young girls was revealed. I should have walked off the stage right then. I still regret it to this day. Friends, don’t be like me. Christ has gifted us with bravery and strength to stand up to oppression. Now’s the time to be brave.

Peace be with you and all that,

Jess