I’ve been trying to get into meditation. That’s no easy feat for me, considering my own psychiatrist admitted I had one of the worst cases of ADHD she’d even seen. But I’ve found certain tools get me into “the zone,” like breathing exercises, yoga, and my personal favorite, tarot.
Tarot is widely used for divination, which is a fancy word for telling the future. I don’t really use it for that purpose much, considering my belief that we create our own futures for the most part. Instead, I use it to gain new perspectives on problems I’m facing and focus in on what I need to work on at the time. It’s a bit like shuffling between 78 tiny therapists, each with their own wisdom, and somehow, the right ones always get pulled whenever I need them.
Usually, I only draw two or three cards, typically a “something to embrace, something to let go of.” But every now and then, I like to use a more intricate spread to really take inventory on how I’m feeling. So yesterday, I got out my gold-plated Art Nouveau cards and tried my first Celtic cross spread. The results were, well, really eerie.
What immediately struck me was the fact that there were only two major arcana cards pulled — the first and the last. The current situation, and the likely outcome. The hanged man, and the fool.
The hanged man is said to appear when you’re at a standstill. He’s literally suspended, and at the moment, I feel like my life has been suspended. As of writing, I’m still waiting to hear back about whether or not I got the internship I really wanted. Should I get it, I will be starting in February, which feels like an impossibly long time from now. Should I not get it, I’ll be back at square one with a different internship, one that will start even later into the next year. Meanwhile, all my friends are already finishing their internships and getting their degrees.
I feel like the hanged man. I feel stuck.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever make it through this program. It feels like nothing is progressing, nothing is changing. Funnily enough, the “hopes and fears” card I drew was the ten of swords, a card that symbolizes death more so than the actual death card. Which is the overarching fear, I believe. I’m gonna die before I accomplish everything I want to do, and every second that passes that I don’t have an internship is another second my eventual masters and doctoral degree.
I’d like to think there’s a silver lining, that the fool symbolizes something greater to come. The fool is said to represent new adventures, so maybe once all is said and done, I’ll get to start anew with a career in music therapy. Or maybe my new adventure is something completely different, as much as I loathe the idea that all of this was for naught.
Another one of the lessons of the hanged man is surrender, letting go and trusting that everything will work out for the best. I’ve talked a little about this recently. Well, a lot about this recently. It’s kind of the biggest thing on my mind right now. And it will be until this stupid internship is finally over.
I’m ready for the fool’s journey, whatever it may be. I’m over feeling stuck.
JESSA JOYCE 