An Open Letter to Friends and Family

I wrote this out as a sort of explanation to my family about my unique situation, because it’s definitely not a conventional one. But I’ve never been a conventional person, so it shouldn’t come as a shock. Still, folks tend to get all weird and squirrelly when you mention any kind of relationship outside of the cishet monogamous norm, and I owe it to my loved ones to be open and honest with them.

When my wife and I first officially got together, I had my hesitations because we weren’t compatible in some ways. See, she’s likely something called ace (short for asexual), which means she isn’t interested in the physical aspects of a typical romantic relationship. She’s not much of a romantic either, while I’m probably a lot more romantic than I’d like to admit. But I still love her and want to start a family with her, so she proposed an idea to me — an open relationship. I could date other people, and even ceremonially marry someone else if I got close enough to someone.

I was a little hesitant because of the stigma. People don’t really understand polyamory yet, and I don’t even know if it’ll ever be truly normalized in my lifetime. Jealousy is still lauded as romantic and the idea of finding “the one” is so pervasive that suggesting the existence of more than one “the ones” sounds as foreign to our ears as the idea of people laying eggs, to the point where accommodating for it would require changing the entire societal paradigm. But I want to be more open about it because I love my partners too much to hide them, and because society is never going to change until someone speaks up about it.

I met my girlfriend at a Valentine’s Day show last year while she was on tour, and I felt immediately drawn to her. With my wife’s blessing, I pursued a long-distance relationship with her. And it has honestly been such a magical year with her by my side. She means the world to me, and so does my wife. The same way a mother can love her two children, or a child can love both their parents, I love them both. And I’ve never been happier.

This past weekend, I had the honor of meeting my girlfriend’s family, which really cemented the feelings I already knew I had for her. I also knew her friends and family would eventually start following me on social media and notice I’m married. I guess I wrote this as a letter to them, too. Just know that I have every intention of having a future with her, unconventional as it may be, and perhaps even starting a family. I want to provide for her, be her soft place to land, and let her know every day how special she is to me. The way I see it, she is my stars and my wife is my moon, and I have enough love to fill the night sky, and beyond.

I know it’s not going to be easy. I know being openly polyamorous comes with risks, doubly so for my wife (who is black) and my girlfriend (who is trans). People can react violently when presented with things they don’t understand. But it’s a chance I’m willing to take, and if push comes to shove, I’d happily lay down my life for either of my partners. Love conquers all, and all that sappy stuff.

It might not make sense to everyone, but it makes all the sense in the world to me.