New Year, New Chapter

So, this is it. The last blog post of 2022 (probably). And I even redecorated for the occasion! Like the new color scheme? I had to incorporate bluey-green, because it’s my favorite color, but the brown just takes it to the next level, right?

I also had to update my picture. I haven’t been blonde for a hot minute, which is so weird to me, but fitting. My teens were blonde, my 20s were weird hair colors, and my 30s will be black. I’m like a Pokémon that changes colors as it evolves, and I feel like I’m finally evolving into the most powerful version of myself. I’m about to reach level 30 and become a mighty electrifying Ampharos after spending several levels as a cute, nonthreatening Flaafy.

Now I just need an Ampharosite so I can have badass hair.

This evolution has brought on a lot of changes, many of which I’ve documented in this blog. I stopped drinking entirely, which is wild to me because I love beer (hit me with your best non-alcoholic beer recommendations in the comments, readers!). It just wasn’t serving me anymore and was causing more damage to my body and mind than I liked. In addition, I got formally diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar disorder and started taking the medications I actually need. Those two changes alone have been revolutionary. I’m not the same person I was this time last year by any stretch of the imagination, and it feels good. I wasn’t a huge fan of that version of me. I like this one more.

But the thing about evolution is that it doesn’t stop happening. In order to be the absolute best version of myself, I need to keep working on the most important project I’ll ever be tasked with — Jess J. Salisbury. Me, the person. Not the blog, although that’s a part of it.

The new year is supposed to be a time of setting goals and making resolutions, many of which won’t make it to the end of January, much less the end of the year. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to set goals I can easily set aside at the first sign of failure. My goal is to hit the gym at least three times a week. So what happens when I have a busy week and fall off for a few days? Do I just give up? That’s why I don’t like viewing my goals as “resolutions.” Instead, they’re part of a sort of year-long bucket list.

So what do I plan to do? I’m glad you asked! I’ll start with the goal that’s most pertinent to this website.

Two blog posts a week

That’s right. No less than two blog posts any given week. If I screw up one week, I’m challenging myself to jump back on it the next week. I recently wrote a post about the direction I want to take this blog, but feel free to drop more ideas for things you want to see here. I’m thinking more music musings, some book reviews, maybe some more spiritual stuff, and of course, my guide to living with ADHD, as well as the fiction I’ve been working on. There’s no shortage of things I like writing about, so make sure to keep checking back for new content often!

Keep a planner all year

I started keeping a planner a few months back. Surprise! It’s done wonders for my mental health as well as my organizational skills. My initial trick was to get a subscription to a monthly planner, so every month I’d have fresh new pages with new prompts and visuals to keep my attention. But then, the unthinkable happened — my December planner got lost in the move! Thinking quickly, I downloaded an app called Zinnia, which is essentially a journaling app for your phone. And this has been ridiculously helpful for me, since I’m on my phone all the time anyways. I can’t leave it at home. It’s always with me, everywhere, all the time.

Get down to my goal weight of 140

Ah yes, the dreaded weight loss resolution that everyone either makes or makes a blog post decrying. Yes, losing weight for vanity reasons is a slippery slope into nasty things like eating disorders, and I’m first in line to support the body positivity movement. But here’s the thing about being body positive — it only works if you’re treating said body positively. I gained a lot of weight over the last several years, and I’ve realized I can’t blame it all on my psychiatric meds, especially now that I’m taking Adderall, which should balance the antidepressant weight gain out. No, I gained this weight because I’ve treated this temple like a freaking dive bar, poisoning it with copious amounts of alcohol and greasy low-nutrient foods. This extra weight I carry is a physical manifestation of the baggage that came with being a compulsive binge eater in the beginning stages of alcoholism. I’ve cut out those two habits and already dropped nearly 30 pounds. Now I’m adding the habit of working out regularly and staying active, and I haven’t felt this good since I was in high school and in the best shape of my life. By the end of 2023, I should be down to my pre-gain size, and I’m so ready.

Become conversational in Arabic

Wallah, I mean it this time. It’s easy to forget in my white British-American English-speaking bubble that nearly half of the world is bilingual, but working at my new job has made me acutely aware of how much I suck as a global citizen. Like, I’m useless in any country that wasn’t once taken over by the Brits. But nearly everyone I work with is bilingual. I live in an area with a pretty hefty Arab population, and most of my coworkers and several of our patients can speak Arabic with ease. I don’t exactly plan on being a diplomat to Egypt or a Quranic scholar, so I’m not holding myself to incredibly high standards here. I just want to be able to say basic sentences and hold a conversation in Arabic. Right now, I know how to say “hi,” “bye,” and “give me bread,” which is useful if I’m ever like, in a dire bread emergency in Lebanon or something, but it would be nice to know some pharmacy-specific phrases.

Do 75Hard AT LEAST ONCE

I tried this already. Remember that? Just one of the dozens of things I’ve started and didn’t finish? I’ve been using the “bUt I hAvE aDhD” excuse for too long. Okay, so lots of successful people have ADHD. They’re not whining about how they can’t finish the thing. They’re out there, taking their Adderall and meditating and doing everything they can to do the damn thing. And that’s what I want to do. So 75Hard is a bunch of arbitrary rules you have to follow for 75 days. But I’m gonna follow them if it kills me, just to prove to myself that I have self-discipline, the thing that has evaded me my whole life. I don’t know when I’m going to do this (although it will probably be in the summer when it’s nicer out and I don’t have to do my daily outdoor workouts in a blizzard like a psychopath), but I want to do it once. Just so I can say that I did it.

Release WUJ 2023

Speaking of things I’ve started and never finished, I’ve been saying new music is on the way since our last release, “If I Stay,” which came out more than a year ago. This isn’t just a “me” thing, since I’m only one member of the band and this will be a group effort, but as the frontwoman, I need to make sure we keep moving in the right direction. I’m tired of stagnating as a musician. I write songs to be heard by others, and if no one’s hearing us, what’s the point of having a band? And speaking of which, I want to be more “on top” of our social media this year. People need to hear us, and if it takes TikTok or Instagram to get our music out there, so be it. The world is changing and so is the music industry. I need to take advantage of modern social media and learn how to use it to get us noticed. And speaking of music, there’s my final, most crucial goal for the year.

Finish my classes with at least a B and get that music therapy degree (finally)

That’s it. The degree I’ve been working toward for literally twelve years is so close to being mine. I started down the road to being a music therapist at 18, when my parents convinced me to change my major from pre-med to music (unlike every other parent ever), but I came to the conclusion that I was too mentally ill and messed up to ever help anyone else. And that’s a fucking lie. I now believe my mental illnesses and neurodivergences will make me a better music therapist because I’ve been on the other side. I will know how my clients’ minds work even better than a neurotypical music therapist would because I’m one of them. And now I have the tools, medications, and coping mechanisms I need to make it through the schooling I need. It’s too late to turn back now. I’m going to get this degree and get a fancy little “MT-BC” after my name, once and for all.

And there you have it. I’m done with being mediocre. Only I have the power to change my life for the better, and this is the year I finally do it.

2023, let’s go.

Polyamory 101: Answering the Basic Questions

It started with a conversation with my coworkers about our planned futures. I mentioned I wanted kids someday, and I’d be the one carrying them.

“So you’re planning to get a donor?” one of them inquired.

“Yeah,” I said. “It’s between one of my wife’s good friends and my girlfriend, who’s trans and had her you-know-what preserved before transitioning.”

“You have a girlfriend too?” another coworker asked.

“No, she obviously means a friend who’s a girl,” the other said.

“Actually,” I began, “I do mean girlfriend, as in a girl that I’m dating. We’re polyamorous.”

Can of worms, now open.

Cue me getting bombarded with questions about the lifestyle choice, which I don’t mind answering at all. But it made me realize just how little the world as a whole actually knows about polyamory!

That’s where this blog post comes in. I want to answer some of the common questions I get about being polyamorous (a word that literally means “having many loves”). I’m not super open about it yet, but I’m trying to change that, because I think the world needs to know there’s nothing wrong with not fitting into “the norm.” Which leads me to my first question.

How did you realize you were polyamorous?

I never “realized” anything. In fact, I’d argue that being poly is more of a conscious lifestyle choice than a sexual or romantic orientation. No one chooses to be attracted to the same or opposite gender, but I’d argue that everyone has been attracted to more than one person. You haven’t had just one crush or partner your entire life, have you? It’s what you choose to do with these feelings for multiple people that determines whether you’re monogamous, ethically non-monogamous (basically polyamorous), or non-ethically non-monogamous (a cheating asshole). If you’re monogamous, you choose to disregard any feelings for other people and commit to a single person, which is completely okay! But if you’re ethically non-monogamous, you and your partner(s) are open to the idea of dating other people as well, so long as everyone is in the know and consenting. And the second you cross the line into not telling your partner or partners you’re dating someone else, that’s just cheating, and you suck. Yes, it is possible to cheat in a polyamorous relationship!

As for me personally, I’ve never been all that jealous in relationships anyways, so when my wife and I first got together and she mentioned she was poly, I just went with it.

So you’re all dating each other?

Absolutely not.

Some polycules (we prefer that term over “throuple,” by the way) are cool with mixing all together. Those are kitchen table polycules, as in everyone gathers at the table together and does life with each other.

My wife is not into that. She prefers to keep our relationship separate.

It’s not that she doesn’t like my other partner (who I’m not going to name, as she’s not openly poly and queer at this time). She simply isn’t interested in her like that, and she’s not a very social person anyways, so we don’t all sit in a circle and sing kum-bah-yah or whatever. She’d rather me go out and spend time with my other partner, then come back and spend time with her afterwards.

There’s more than one way to be polyamorous, and sometimes that does involve multiple partners living together and coexisting. Should my girlfriend move to Michigan someday, she would either live in a duplex-type situation with us or have a separate house, and I’d split my time between them. But my wife and girlfriend wouldn’t ever live together.

So your wife can date other people, and you don’t get jealous?

Not at all! I simply don’t see love or sex as a finite resource. Now time is a finite resource, but I don’t think it’s advisable or healthy for even monogamous couples to spend every waking hour together. If you can balance your time between two or more partners and everyone’s okay with it, so be it.

Okay, this is a weird sex thing, isn’t it?

Not at all! In fact, I consider sex to be the least important aspect of both of my relationships, and it barely factors into one at all. That particular partner considers herself to be on the asexual spectrum, so it’s actually nice to be able to fulfill that need with someone else instead of guilting her into sleeping with me when she’s not into it. There is some overlap between the poly community and the kink community, but being poly doesn’t necessarily mean being kinky, and vice versa.

But you love one partner more than the other, right?

Again, not necessarily! Poly folks might have a “primary” partner who comes before the others. You could argue my wife is my primary because I live with her and I’m legally bound to her, but I prefer the term “nesting partner,” as it erases that sense of hierarchy in the relationships. I love my wife and my girlfriend in different ways. I have a very romantic relationship with my girlfriend. I want to watch the sunset with her and lay in bed serenading each other and see all of the wonders of the world with her by my side. On the other hand, I have a very familial relationship with my wife (which is why she’s my wife!). I can see myself having kids with her and being silly with them and watching them grow up together, the way she and I grew up together. They’re both very warm, heartfelt, fulfilling relationships in different but equal ways. As I like to describe the feeling, I love one like the moon, and one like the stars

But this is scandalous! Do you tell people about this?

If it comes up, yes. I’ve learned to be a little more open about it because things will never change to become more accommodating to poly folks if no one ever “comes out” as being poly. I’ve told my mom, and while she’s hesitant, she just wants me to be happy. She knows I’m not the “one husband and 2.5 kids with a white picket fence and a dog” type, and I never have been. I’ve tried living that life and it wasn’t for me. As I’ve said on here before, never break your own bones to fit into someone else’s box. I don’t know if the rest of my family knows, but honestly, it’s not their place to judge my relationships. I’m happy and everyone involved is happy, and that’s what matters.

I’m usually a little more open about being polyamorous with younger people. Older folks are a little more set in their ways and old-school about relationships, which is completely okay as long as you don’t try to force people into that box. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — there’s nothing wrong with straight, cis, monogamous couples and families. I’ve just learned that life is not for me.

Aren’t you a Christian? This is against God’s word!

Lots of people in the Bible had more than one partner. In fact, you could argue that the big 3 Abrahamic religions all condone polyamory. Well, technically polygamy — historically men were allowed to have more than one wife. This is likely due to the fact that 1. ancient societies were decidedly patriarchal and 2. women were more plentiful than men because they weren’t put on the frontlines of war. But God has never said anything condemning polyamory in particular. The only argument against it is the fact that things went sour for Abraham/Sarah/Hagar and Jacob/Leah/Rachel, but that’s less of an argument against polyamory and more of an observation about how sucky human relationships in general are. We all mess up, and obviously, the more people you add to the equation, the more there’s a chance someone’s gonna screw something up.

Thank you, imaginary person whose questions I’m answering.

Okay, this has all been very enlightening.

So that’s the long and short of polyamory and why it works for me. I’ll probably do a part two on what I think are the best parts of being poly are (like getting to eat ice cream and cry with your wife when someone else breaks your heart), but for now, I just wanted to answer the basic questions. Do you think you could ever be in a poly relationship? Why or why not? Let me know in the comments, and feel free to ask me any questions you might have left!

The Glories and Pitfalls of Being the “Rocker Chick”

Last night, I posted a picture of my band, Wake Up Jamie, on our band’s Instagram page. This one, to be precise.

Almost immediately, we got an influx of picture “likes,” many from a new fan who just started following us! I was freakin’ over the moon excited. Any time someone new gives my little band a chance, it feels like the first time I ever played guitar or sang for my parents in the living room of our old house. You really like my music?! I get a taste of what it must be like to be my personal idol, Ann Wilson from the band Heart.

I have posted this exact picture on my social media and people thought it was me.

I received a message from the new fan, which I was excited to read, but didn’t quite have the metaphorical spoons to deal with at midnight on Christmas Eve Eve. So I left it for tomorrow-me to open in the morning. A little Christmas present to myself, you know? There’s no gift like waking up to see someone tell you how cool your band is.

So I open up this message and it’s…uh…I’ll just say this much-older guy wasn’t shy about confessing how he wanted to make me his sugar baby.

Not a damn thing about our music. Just that I was “beautiful” and he wanted a (presumably sexual) relationship with me in exchange for his money and attention.

Never mind the countless Saturdays at guitar lessons in my childhood and the hours teaching myself to sing in the shower and the hundreds of shows I’ve played in my lifetime. To this guy, I’m basically a singing hooker.

Which is a great business idea that hasn’t been done before, to be fair.

I have to admit my feelings of rage for being objectified were soft-serve swirled with a different, more positive feeling. Was I actually flattered this dude came onto me like that? On my band’s page, no less?

Surely Ann Wilson never had to deal with this?

Or did she?

I feel like I’ve written about the subject before, but I’m too lazy to find the exact post about it. But it’s not like Ann hasn’t dealt with being judged for her looks rather than her talent. Like how she was hidden behind layers of clothing and her skinny little sister, Nancy (who is equally talented, in all fairness), back in the MTV days because Ann was a little too thicc for the era’s liking. As if she wouldn’t have been revered at a Kardashian level had she been young today.

And the funny thing is, had she been young today, you know her Instagram inbox would be full of guys just like the one who messaged me. Even today, go to any Heart music video on YouTube and just read through all the thirsty comments from dudes (and probably a few chicks) who would kill for a ride on Dreamboat Annie. (And for the love of God, I hope Ann Wilson never reads this blog post, for that sentence alone. I feel so dirty.) They’re interspersed with comments about her voice at least, but you can’t deny that many of the “Wow, the best voice in rock and roll”-type comments are followed by “and also smokin’ hot!”

Would Heart have made it if Ann and her sister weren’t a certifiable 11 out of 10? How intertwined are music and appearance anyways? Male musicians are judged for their appearance too (see: every boyband ever), but you can’t deny that the pressure is more intense for female musicians. Even the least-attractive female musicians who have “made it” are still conventionally pretty, while guys get more of a pass to look like a foot. Bob Dylan is revered as one of the greatest musicians of the 20th century, and no one’s thirsting for him, right?

I mean, *I’d* go for it, but not everyone’s type is “dorky Jewish guy who plays guitar better than me.”

As annoying as it is to have to be a “hot girl” to make it in music, there’s a certain power in embracing your looks and sexuality to get ahead. You know the saying — “if you got it, flaunt it.” As a band with three female members, we’re going to be judged for our looks, we might as well use it to our advantage. The end goal is to get our music heard, and if it takes luring people in with our hotness, so be it.

I don’t think there’s any shame in using everything in your disposal to get to where you want to be, as long as you’re not hurting anyone else. If guys drooling over mine and my bandmates’ pictures will get them to pay attention to us and ultimately listen to our music, that’s what matters. We don’t write songs to play in our drummer’s studio every week and never see the light of day. We want to make a living doing what we love. We want to spread a message. We want to be heard.

Being objectified sucks — I can’t argue with that — but taking control of the narrative and the way you’re seen is strangely empowering. Maybe being a woman in music isn’t so bad after all.

A Little Help From My Friends

I can’t do it alone.

Seriously. Every time I’ve tried to do anything by myself, I usually fall flat on my big dumb face. And if there’s anything I’ve learned about my particular brand of ADHD, it’s that I need someone else there to hold me to my word. Accountability is a necessity for me.

My wife and I have been trying to get back in shape, which isn’t a new thing. Years of heavy drinking and treating our bodies like dive bars instead of temples has turned us into bloated, chonky, weak shells of our former selves.

The problem is whenever we tried to commit to working out or eating better, we let ourselves make tiny excuses until eventually those tiny excuses rolled into bigger excuses, and soon enough, we were right back at the start. Maybe we could stop drinking and smoking cold turkey, but starting a new habit was going to take a lot more effort. And help!

When we joined our local gym, we were invited to try working with a personal trainer. And just having someone to show us the ropes and cheer us on helped so much, so we signed on to have him train us weekly. (Even though we’re going to have to hustle hard to pay for it, ick.) And having someone hold us to our word is helping immensely. We’ve been training three days a week now and I’m already seeing results. It’s amazing what happens when you’re nice to your body for once.

But even if you can’t afford a trainer, just having someone else around to help you stay motivated works as well. Find a friend who wants to get in shape as much as you do. When you don’t want to work out, there’s a chance they do. And they’ll be the one push you to get in the gym and do the damn thing. There’s a saying in Ecclesiastes, one of my favorite books of the Bible for good reason (and not just because it’s an entire chapter of emo ramblings).

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.
Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10

Sometimes you need a little help, and there’s no shame in that! Think about a goal you want to accomplish, and find some folks to rally around you and fight alongside you. Maybe it’s working out and getting healthy, or maybe you’re trying to stay accountable for finishing a project. Just find your team and get moving!

Get Out of That Box!

I feel bad for leaving everyone on a sad note with my last post, so this one is more optimistic, I swear!

My wife and I stopped drinking earlier this year. Officially, for real this time. We haven’t had as much as a drop in the last several months. And frankly, I’m pretty okay with that. Sure, there’s some FOMO when my friends are sipping on a nice craft beer or mixed drink, but for the most part, I don’t miss it. I’ve lost weight, I don’t have no-reason hives nearly as often, and I’m not constantly in a daze from being drunk or hungover almost every day.

We were paying money to have a bad time.

Something peculiar happened when we stopped drinking though. We found ourselves unable to relate to a lot of our friends who did drink a lot or rely on drugs to have fun. Suddenly, sobriety was lonely as hell. I call these growing pains, though. As in, we’re finally growing up, but the people around us are stagnating. It’s a good problem, although it doesn’t feel good in the moment.

My old church and pastor are problematic for a lot of reasons, and if you’ve snooped long enough through my blog, you’d know why. But my former pastor did have a lot of wisdom I still love by to this day. One of his sayings was “show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.” As 90s sitcom “special episode” as it is to admit, the people you surround yourself with influence you more than you think.

Think of it this way. If someone’s standing on a table for some ungodly reason, it would be hard for them to pull another person up onto the table with them. It would be much easier for someone on the ground to pull the person on the table down to their level. It’s best to climb onto the table alone. That doesn’t mean you can’t have any friends when you’re working on yourself, though. Maybe people will see that what you’re doing is weird and different and better, and they might even climb onto a table as well.

The point is, the road to getting better is lonely, but it doesn’t have to be. Instead of hanging out at bars and partying your life away, meet new people at gyms or church. Learn a new hobby and join a local group for it. Even online groups like r/decidingtobebetter on Reddit can be helpful. It sucks distancing yourself from old friends, but holding onto habits that hurt you in order to still relate to them is not worth it. You can’t keep breaking your own bones to fit into someone else’s box.

Get out of that box!